you entered: fuck

Invisible Web Counter

(Sunday, November 30, 2008-)
+7:31 AM]*

# -

im sorry :)

for everything.

im sorry i made you stick to me like gum,
made you skip class gatherings,
made you not close to your class and
so many many more.
im sorry for everything.

rehab may have begun,
i may have been starting to kick the addiction,
but my love is more than an addiction.
its not a habit,
its not a lust.
i have no idea how to put it,
but fuck it.
i just know i love you so.

my leg's still very screwed guys.
what should i do? :(

will you lie on my shoulder willingly,
the next time you fall asleep?
i'd never ever be too tired to hold you :)

i know you've become more self-confident,
more independent,
and so have I.
but love is not limited to dependence,
its mutual :)

i hope you'll not close your heart to me,
and even though i know it may never happen, or it may take a long time,
but no matter what it takes,
im never liking anyone else in my life,
i'll hold on to whatever faith and hope and luck i have,
and pray that one day,
we'll hold hands and sleep on each other,
like we did before.

<3
lovelove! ^^

Labels: lovelove

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(Saturday, November 29, 2008-)
+7:11 AM]*

# -

i injured my ankle in the most amusing way possible WHAT THE FUCKS.

and here i was laughing at zhaoxuan like crazy yesterday, today i was moving the mats and my ankle just snapped under me hahahahaha damn loser

:\

today was fine, i finally decided to ask them to teach me backtuck. im still too scared to do a proper tuck, and maybe my abs just suck,but hahah eh at least i tried okay. and we ran the routine today! stunts were fine, but the dance im still very very, as BB puts it, L-O-S-T (pam took like 15seconds to understand) hahahah.

we were out in the hot sun till we were all baked and such before we could finally move back to the MPR with AIR-CON(aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh) and then YQ made hakim teach me the idk what partner dance. and i was damn bad to sharon. the moment she jumped to cradle, i was like, omg 2 pamelas. hahahaha sharon was damn sad after that okay haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah but you know im joking k sharon? :) lets hope zhaoxuan doesnt kill me :D

me and YQ went to packet dinner for the rest, and it was damn funny, talking about whose dog does what and such. apparently xinyi's maltese(if thats how you spell it) is super horny and loves humping her shoulder wtf. and pam's jack russell like only vomits on pam's sis's blanket hahahahahahah. and so on. we talked about alot of shit, i tried to make hakim teach me body isolation, but aye, im still not moveable enough, means must eat less.

you have no idea how much i spent on drinks today lor. denvers should just apply to the CC for a water cooler to be built. CB i had to cross the road and buy the bloody ex water so many times okay. Shall suggest that to victor on the next training :D

today made me think about alot, about stuff like friends and their importance. Im glad they didnt oust me cause of my new status in the team or what, and i really love all of you for that ^^

thanks guys.

i find that im numb to the pain,
i find that im okay with anything and everything.
looks like melvin soh is back in the zone.

i just wanna pray for your safety,
and i just wanna wish you all the best.

rehab for melvin soh,
has begun.

Labels: ankle, denvers

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(Friday, November 28, 2008-)
+7:29 PM]*

# -

i couldnt sleep last night.

we're drifting apart
i hate this feeling
i'd love to be close to you again
baby.

life is neverendingly depressing and infuriating,
and i miss your sayangs.

last night i thought of lots of things.
and one particular incident made me long for you more.

remember xuanyi's house gathering?
i had some hives rash.
and we had to go out to this clinic for an injection.
you went with me,
and when the doctor inserted the needle,
you hugged me.
you held me close and stroked my hair.
even the doctor said,
"with these sayang sayang everything also not pain already".
that left such a deep impression on me,
and at that point of time,
it felt good,
to be protected,
and i knew that you really meant it.
really meant to hold me close and tell me,
everything's gonna be alright darling,
im here.

and the many times,
we sat with you lying on me,
and i'd stroke your face till you wake up.
you'd give me the sleepy smile and hug me,
and fall asleep on my lap,
all over again.

i love you the way you are baby,
i dont care what you've done.
i dont care what others think.
just come hold me like you always do ju,
and i swear,
everything will be alright,
in an instant.

thats how much you mean to me,
so please dont close yourself up to me,
it hurts.

please?

Labels: darling

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+8:33 AM]*

# -

zhaoxuan injured his ankle in the fucking funniest way today and im totally so tired about laughing from it i shall just say he was DUMB hahahah :)

pam's hand's still injured! :( meaning she cant go for her gym competition, like she paid 100+ dollars for :\ poor pam, get well soon! :D

today's attendance saw new friends hahaha. BB wants me to perform with denvers next sat! hahaha they made me learn the dance and i like it hahaha theres 2 dances and all damn fast hahaha. but pam laughed and said i look like wayang! hahaha but aye i must become super zai at those dance moves before next sat :D:D

first performance, cant wait! ^^

aye today we did normal stuff, finally met sharon hahaha from online to the real person! (hello!) and then while i was doing extension lib, i caught my mum staring at us train and omg that stunt fell and the girl landed on me. i swear my mum had the "WTF" face on, but after that the following attempts were quite good! :D

tried single lib from floor up today, BB says im stable, but all in all when its up there, its a totally different feel, so i hope i'll be fine soon haha :\

after training we sat and talked nonsense and 3 people asked me about my BAK2U and i had alot of saliva used up to explain to them haha. but yeah la pam loses her phone very very often! so yeah, pam you could buy my product its freaking one time thing ^^

YQ met us only after training and it was like a really damn big group of people, so we had lots of different convos everywhere and YQ jacked brandan so bad it was so freaking funny hahahahha. talked to them for fucking long till like 11 plus before we had to leave cause everyone had their parents/friends picking them up. and i had to walk alone to the MRT again :(

but life is cool, and some of us may be going to wildcards on sunday to see see hahaha. im trying to make pam they all go also :D

training was fucking fun today,

but i still miss sleeping on you much much more :(
im just an acquaintance in your life.
but if this is the way its gonna be,
i have nothing and i can do nothing to change it.

i'll need my entire lifetime to forget you.
so i rather spend my life being your shadow.
and if thats as far as i can ever get,
so be it,
i'll live with it.

if your boyfriend ever does cheat on you,
you can always come to me,
i'm 24/7 ready for you,
and even if you only come to me when you need me,
i'll do everything i can for you.
and i'll kill anyone who dares to hurt you.

and if i die in the process,
god-bless you,
you've just rid yourself of a irksome pest,
thats been sticking to you for a helluva long time :)

either way,
as long as you're happy :)

i fucking love you.
from the start to the end,
it never wavered,
not even once.

i didnt cry today,
not on 27th november.
but since its already 1am,
i wont say i didnt.

i hope i'll see you soon,
missing you is more painful
than any other feeling in the world.

at the end of the day,
after you've went out with all the guys you want to,
will you decide that,
at the end of the line,
im still the one that you want as rightfully yours?
i wonder.

but i'll always be here,
right by your side.

and if you do read this,
have no doubts,
its not anyone else.
i love you
tansiewboon.
you're my one and only.

Labels: IFLY

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(Thursday, November 27, 2008-)
+5:58 PM]*

# -

not going for work today! :D but im darn bored :\

i dont tear for fun.
but only you are able to tug on my heartstrings so easily,
and bring out any emotions that i struggle hard to keep in.

its not being sad/emotional/weak,
its simply because i fucking love you.

and in case you think im sad,
im not.
i love letting my emotions take over when im with you,
cause it feels really nice to have you nearby.
and even though im silently tearing,
im silently in heaven.

i dont care how small you think your eyes are,
but the world i see in your eyes,
is much larger than physical numbers will ever be able to calculate.
and that world,
is the world i live in.
the world i dream in.
the world i wanna spend the rest of my life in,
with you and only you.

LETS GO FOR TRAININGGGGGGGGGGGGGG :D

the white musk i sprayed from the tester yesterday,
is still lingering on my wrist.
and just like that,
i fell asleep, with that sweet smell,
lingering all around me :)
it smells exactly like you always do.
i love you.

Labels: training

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+6:06 AM]*

# -

zero sales :)

gotta try harder for the remaining 3 days ^^

i hope you wont be mad at me for saying those words,
but i guess it was cause i was worried,
so i blew up.
im sorry :(

.
.
.

today i didnt cry,
didnt get emotional.
but i almost did when i laid on her shoulder.
it was really nice,
and i really appreciate it when she didnt push me away,
as i instinctively snuggled up to her.

i just hope the right path for me lights itself soon,
so i wont be lost and running in circles in the dark.
i dont wanna be sad,
this is no time to be sad, SMILE! (says my phone memo pad)

many a time,
as she whisked past,
i picked up that familiar scent,
that sweet smell,
that made me melt over and over again ( it never fails )

you know,
no matter what i do,
i always forget to forget you.

i wanna feel the way you make me feel
when i'm with you.
and if i can,
i wanna make you feel the way i made you feel,
the time when you were madly in love with me.
and lets keep it at that :)

nothing's gonna stop me,
not even divine intervention :D

may i have a kiss, may i touch your lips?
may i have a hug, may i hold you tight at the place closest to my heart?
may i hold your hand, may i hold it and tickle your fingers as i play upon your heartstrings?
if i may not have any of these,
may i have a silly smile, and may i take a picture of it and keep lots of different photos of you under my pillow, in my wallet and as my wallpaper?

i heart yearns for you,
i wish i could hold you close to me so you could hear how hard it thumps,
when you even come close.

i missed you alot on the bus trip home today,
and i miss you even more now.

i really really hope you wont take it to heart :\

Labels: ZERO = 0

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(Tuesday, November 25, 2008-)
+7:14 AM]*

# -

tired like idk how to describe. i was already dying on the way back to training, i had to buy 1 soya milk, 1 red bull and 1 bottle of mineral water before i could get back to doing my handstands lol.

victor says i have a very observable flair in talking, and promoting stuff, like salesman kind. actually im half happy half sad haha. sad cause i dont wanna be a salesman, but happy cause hopefully all my OP in pw skills will play a part this time. im totally into this, i think my target should be to earn around $500? with flexi work timings, cause im too lazy to walk around the expo for the WHOLE day trying to sell stuff. unless sales get fucking good, which i doubt it will.

victor and jy say the SITEX thingy will be less then the projected 800k people, cause like now we're in economic crisis and such. hahaha but i think i'm only heading there for the experience and see how far my mouth can bring me, lol! :) yup jy'll be down at SITEX on thursday, victor may be going down on friday before training, and zhaoxuan and brandan will be down on sunday, for almost the whole day cause their church is there ^^ hopefully yq and bb will come too? hahahaha :D

today's training was quite slacky but more of an eye opener for me. Being trained in SAJC, but having zero gymnastic training, even a handstand takes me damn long to achieve :\ aye today i progressed from forward rolls, to front somersaults hahaha. YQ was teaching BB how to do but BB was damn scared and everything. as usual, brandan made his debut fall by landing on his head and going "fuccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccck pain" while the rest of us laughed on.

today's attendance was quite poor, only brandan, YQ, BB, victor, JY, joanne and another girl(sorry man i didnt get your name) were there. So we were like playing, trying gymnastics and everything and toss to hands. brandan's aim is like single lib with joanne before nationals. But like YQ said, if you cast away your fear, you'll totally progress fucking fast. More of being inspired by MR tam ZX, who is for all i know still at prom now, i wanna pia my life away. Injured nvm. totally dont care will bring me much further and faster.

i made a few goals for myself today, but i havent told them.
firstly, i wanna master toss-to-hands with ALL the flyers, by the end of this year or before 8 jan, so i can show off to ZX.
secondly, i wanna do my backtuck and cartwheel/roundoff by the end of this year.

that should be enough for now,
yeah you know me i'll most probably slack it off and forget all about it.

BUT.

i think this time, its really different. With no more studies to fuck-care about, i totally have full passion for cheer. Doesnt matter who i prefer to coach and so on, sorry if i offended any of you, but more of passion for the sport, which is gonna freaking take me damn far i tell you.

there's gonna be a cheer conference soon in KL, dont know if my parents will let me but i wna go. Victor says its gonna be a super eye opener so i really really really wanna go! :D

alright im fucking tired now, but i still feel like playing gunbound awhile :D hahaha.

she said hello.
inside im screaming, I LOVE YOU.

If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

as our lives change,
come whatever
inside my heart you will still be
my baby forever.
tears dried, heart died.
i cried, as i munched on the corn you gave me.
lucky you didnt notice :)

and i shall continue what i started,
and be good ol melvin,
for all the days to come,
for all the years to come.
but my heart never stopped yearning for you.
how i wish,
time would stop,
and leave you in my care
till eternity.

sorry for being sad.
i guess this was how i really felt today,
cause after cheer i was at the sk bus interchange,
and i saw this couple,
that totally reminded me of everything.
the way the girl responded to the guy,
the way the guy hugged her,
and even the way they teased each other.
i couldnt help but think of the past,
but its true.
the past is the past,
the present is the present.

and it all ends here.

i know i cant do anything about it,
but if you fall for him,
i promise you,
i'll give you the broadest smile i can muster,
and wish you both,
eternal bliss.

at the end of the day,
the sweetest love stories are still the ones that never have an ending.

Labels: backtuck, jan 8, toss-to-hands

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(Monday, November 24, 2008-)
+6:23 AM]*

# -

hopefully my mom will let me go to mr TAM ZHAO XUAN's house tmr to stay over cause i am in serious need of drinks.

it is said that the legendary absolut vanilla coupled with hello panda can knock you over. Literally and Figuratively. Which is scary cause ZX was talking to me one day over the phone when suddenly he couldnt draw any air and was like making lotsa shitty sounds over the phone, i was so prepared to call 995 for him.

mm but yes, i need such stuff. alcohol makes you forget yourself and live in your own world, but it gives beer bellies, which is so unthinkably unwanted :X and running wont make it go away, thats the worst part. Best thing will be that i'll tire myself so badly, meet him after his prom(which is so freaking early) cause he's not going post prom and then i'll head to his house and we'll crash and burn. Maybe rent a few movies to watch, but hopefully, we wont become so dead drunk that we ass rape one another. fuckthats the worst thing that could happen :\

i am a virgin.
i do not wanna get ass raped.
i dont wanna lose my virginity to a guy.
no.
not tam zhao xuan.
NO SAUCER NIPS.

hahahahah im a fucking asshole and i know it all too well.

anyway, i reinstalled gunbound and i got addicted slightly to it again, but its a pity its too mild for me to go crazy over. ahahaha but yanzhang's gonna kill me for coping his items again. lawl.

yesternight i finished watching katekyo hitman reborn and i enjoyed spoiling the ENTIRE story for nick over the phone even though he was reluctant to listen to me. but now i saved his time from watching, no? hahaha fucker.

and i found the tutorials to play the hitman song online but the bugger didnt mail me back, how infuriating.

you know, sometimes having siblings at home that know too much about you gets very irritating.
here i have a brother, this little bugger, who walks around and mentions stuff that appears interesting to him, but at the same time reminds me of a past i dont wanna go over again. today it got so bad i had to pull him by his shirt and warn him to never ever fucking talk about that again.

yes i know yes i know its over, its long over and i should move on i should find something else i should open myself up again i should stop caring i should stop giving a damn and everything?

hey guys.
its not that easy to forget and move on.

when you get numbed to the pain,
and when you feel the knife stabbing you but no blood comes out,
theres no sharp pain,
theres not even the prickling feeling
nor the trickle of warm blood.
this time,
the blade's not sharp.
its blunt,
and pain becomes no longer a one off thing,
it comes long term.

when the shock factor and pain begins to dull,
the blade dulls too.
and i just wanna say,
its getting worse.

whats this feeling,
when i rather die in one stroke,
then have to live on in slow never-ending pain.
in love,
is there any form of euthanasia available,
except the common substitute of putting up a strong front?

i shall put up my smiley face for as long as i can,
and when i finally break down,
i'll hide myself from the world.
xinyi if youre reading this,
i totally agree with you.
i'm hopelessly in love,
and i have no idea what is driving me in life,
in love,
and in everything that i do,
anymore.
all the best with your love life,
for mine's definitely not the way i wanted it to be.
but please still tell me if you and don get together,
i'll still have lotsa space in my head to be happy for you :D

i know its possible to do something purely for myself and so on,
but in it,
we cannot deny the existence of that impurity in my thinking,
the side which wants to care for her and be there for her,
all the time.

ah well.
tomorrow i shall wake up,
with a smile on my face,
a light hearted attitude,
and a side which everyone will be happy to see.
the optimistic melvin,
the worry-less melvin,
and best of all,
the good ol melvin.

the pain shall be hidden well,
deep under that smile,
deep under that happy-go-lucky side of me.
you'll never know how bad it is, inside :)
would you hate me,
if i said that all this time,
i never did stop loving you?
i still love you,
you never stopped being the baby in my heart.
and i still hold on to that hope that one day,
you'll give me that one more chance to pull on your heartstrings,
and open your heart to mine
once again,
just like the day you lay your head on my shoulder,
on that warm lovely night of 11/10/07.
<3
i love.

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(Saturday, November 22, 2008-)
+5:58 AM]*

# -

i love denvers

although we're not very big-sized,

although we dont have flyers which are below 45kg,

we have that high level of technique that we do stunts as complicated as teams that have big guys with small flyers :D

now that i think of it, lucky you joined wildcards :)
if i had been on the same team, i wouldnt be able to enjoy the sport at all.
like blame myself for every single time if you do fall from a stunt and im unable to be there to catch? :\
i know im such a loser hahaha.
have fun in wildcards!

P.S. anyway now i know why you didnt want me there when you went clubbing

No more nonsense emo thinking and talk, im getting numb from all of it. All i can say now is,

Denvers lead the way, all the way!
i love this new team.
and im very happy about my choice.
cant wait for the first performance with them.

today i tried toss to hands!
and i did freaking alot of handstands and even the crazy stunt with pamela and BB hahaha the one where i found out how technical brandan is while for me im just the primative animal spirit instinct(haha zhaoxuan).

pamela injured her elbow during backhandspring today, hope she gets well soon, cause she has a gymnastics competition in 2 weeks! she was so emo throughout the whole training :\
today was damn cool i saw zhaoxuan's toss to hand transit to single cupie. Looks like its gonna take me a while before i actually get it heh.

but today's training wasnt that xiong as my first, probably cause my body adapted back to the exercise again. Next gymnastics training im aspired to learn backtuck and cartwheel, while the next stunts training i wanna do a more confirmed toss to hands rather then one with freaking alot of float and one with no float at all. No doubt, BB is bloody good. :D

and zhaoxuan the motherfucker almost threw my retainers away, fuck. he dumped it in a plastic bag with the CB chicken rice we had for lunch. walao.

nehneh, now im undergoing technique retraining, which is good cause i watched a particular person's toss to hands video (no names mentioned) and even though he's a head coach somewhere and he's quite big, his toss doesnt have the desired height both for base and flyer, ended up in a really awkward style. Haha i used to think of attaining his standard,but looking at the people who do toss to cupie(without bending of legs & being 180++ at the same time), i cannot afford but no longer see him as a target. now i wanna reach YQ's standard! toss to cupie with fucking float. and his legs are so long his roundoff backtuck ends up in roundoff layout. RESPECT you bro.

Muscle memory is great for crash-course, but i intend to cheer for quite a long time to come, so i'd think technique mastery comes first. But individual preferences come into play, no comments on whoever thinks which is right. We're all right in our very own way :)

training today lasted 11 hours, with the last 2 hours being breaks and stops. I'm super shagged, but still cant help but feel excited cause next week training is on tuesday, friday and saturday! i'll be working, but since the team will be performing on sunday, saturday training i wouldnt be able to do much too :\ good thing too. im gonna earn money alr! hahahah finally. and i think i'll take a loan from mummy tmr first, gonna dye my hair :D

let time take its toll on us,
and let fate do the rest.

once again,
denvers lead the way,
ALL THE WAY! :D

Labels: denvers

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(Friday, November 21, 2008-)
+3:11 AM]*

# -

time is immaterial.

starting lately,
im starting to feel that i have alot of time,
and if you need time before you'll talk to me again,
hey, im totally fine with it :D

but no,
i still cant do without you :\

life,
is such a dilemma.

i feel like going to play at wildcards tmr, but i've got training!
ah well, thinking carefully,
i still think denvers will give me a more holistic form of training,
like strengthening the basics first.
if i were to join wildcards,
undeniably it'd be fucking cool cause the first thing i'll learn is toss to hands,
but learning by habit and not by technique,
some may love it,
but i dont think i wanna go ten years down the road,
and find out because of weak foundation,
i end up injuring myself/not being able to do even higher level stunts.

aye, i dont really care if wildcards is better,
will win more awards and such.
im into cheer,
not to win awards,
but to stick with the team,
that will bring me the furthest,
in the long run,
and not simply lead me by habit and repititive muscle memory.

no more mistakes in life,
no more memory work.
technique before glam

:)

P.S. but i'll get BB to teach me toss to hands as well! zhaoxuan says she's so fucking good as a flyer she can correct the bases, respect! if she'll help, i'll be more then willing to learn :D

Labels: toss-to-hands

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(Thursday, November 20, 2008-)
+11:44 PM]*

# -

diahorrea,
non-recovering wrist tendons,
zero flexibility.

cant train today, bleah.

and im feeling undeniably moodlessly shitty today, for some unknown reason.

what if,
im still in love with you,
five of ten years down the road?
'd die a million times over
just to have you :)

Labels: moody

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+4:07 AM]*

# -

fucking tired. tore my finger skin while shuttling, it looks freaking scary , like worse then the blisters nick got yesterday from dragonboat hahaha.

eh i think im slowly improving my badminton as well :D

and my lips are super dry, damn. i just have to sort of glide my teeth over and they'll just tear off. then every single time there'll be blood :\

hahaha aye im super hyper tired. i hope everyday is like that so i wont have that much time to brood over stuff that stimulates my tears, gay faggot.

you were my first and i'll never be able to forget you,
i wonder if you'll be able to remember me.
i think of you day and night,
from sunrise to sundown.
and if i could,
i'd dream another sunset with you.
hope we'll talk soon,
all this tiring myself out just to control my emotions,
does no real good after all.

P.S.

i know you had a bad headache from last night,
so do take care.
it still hurts to know you're not alive and jumpy,
like you always were.

i still miss you.

Labels: TIRED ZZZ

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(Wednesday, November 19, 2008-)
+9:31 PM]*

# -

off to badminton at 4pm :D

yesterday was fucking loser we went downstairs to eat supper and zhaoxuan called and i got pissed cause he talk and talk and talk until KNN my noodles cold. then we went back to nick's house and freaking watched hitman reborn till like, 330. hahaha i didnt really have the mood to play till after around 1 plus , personal reasons. but yeah after that we were damn funny. Supposed to sleep at 2, cause i was feeling more at ease already. Then every freaking episode of hitman was a cb cliffhanger we COULDNT stop watching lols. and the worst part is, my handphone ran out of batt in the morning when TAN MING JIANG called me, at 7am sharp, asked me if i wanted to meet him at kovan, wth.

i slept without bolster or blanket or pillow, had to sleep on my damned underwear and clothes. The books i brought along didnt serve as much of a cushion, either :\ but yeah it was quite fucking funny and everything was great. No one called to disturb, and i only recieved the text i was waiting for. So all in all, other than the sleeping conditions and the toilet, we should all stayover at his house hahaha.

i havent freaking booked the court yet for later, i hope there's gonna be space and i've still gotta go hunt for the shuttlecocks -.-

oh and the best thing is, there's training tomorrow night! hahah time to burn myself again and make the best out of my time. i really hope she'll come too, but ah well, she needs time, so yeah, no reason to bug her. im sure she'll tell me when she's ready to talk again :)

alright im freaking tired maybe i'll nap awhile den wake up to play.

cant wait,
its been freaking long since i played badminton seriously :D

Labels: badminton, shuttling, training

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+9:50 AM]*

# -

im at nick's house now.

all is fine,
but i've some complaints hahahahaha.

now that i know you're already safe and in good hands,
i can now go to bed and sleep more peacefully.

i got fucking pissed with his toilet hahahah.

1. i moved all the clothes to the outside, and when i wanted to bathe, there was no fucking showerhead linked to the tap.
2. i had to bathe using the HOSE. and it was fucking cold. and the hose was DUSTY. the water that came out first was light grey. KNN!
3. the toilet is SPARTAN. i had to squat in front of the TOILETBOWL and wash my head due to short hose length.
4. the shampoo he gave me was stuck cause of lack of usage i had to find something to poke a hole so i could break the solid layer that had formed to get my the shampoo. :\
5. the towel he gave me couldnt even hold my FACE. knn my body was very very sticky cause i couldnt dry it. (its like those kind where maids use to clean the window -.-)

all in all, i think all army boys should come bathe here to experience army life first hand :)

last of all, i would like to complain, that the host is laughing as he watches me type every single word and not feeling guilty AT ALL. FUCK MAN hahahahah.

this is definitely the new BMTC school for tekong :D
school 3.

Labels: BMTC school 3

the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________

(Monday, November 17, 2008-)
+9:09 PM]*

# -

will you give me another chance?

i changed,
i really did,
and this time its not another groundless statement.
please,
i mean it with all of my heart.
and i still love you with everything that i've got.

please let me love you again.

Labels: chance

the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________

+6:39 AM]*

# -

i will change myself.
till the point where,
you'll feel safe enough,
to accept me.

i will protect you physically with all of my being,
and i will protect your heart and your feelings,
with every bit of change in me.
i will change,
to make sure,
to ensure,
to reassure you,
that you'll never ever feel the pain you felt,
when you were with me from 11th of october 2007,
to 11th of october 2008.
i'll change.
i'll never let you feel hurt again,
never let you feel caged up again,
and never let anything else come in between us again.

i know you can take good care of yourself,
and all i want is to exist alongside you,
to take care of you all the time.
i wont pry into your private life,
i wont go all posessive over you again.
i wont make the same mistakes to hurt you
like i did before.

i will show you,
that in this one month,
ive changed.
and right now,
i'm more then ready to take care of you.

this time,
it isnt an empty promise,
neither is it a childish act of desperation.
it may be true that i love you and i want you back by my side,
but right NOW,
its the end of the a levels.
no more commitments to studies,
i wanna commit myself to loving you,
i wanna commit myself to getting you to love me,
once again.
no more jealousy,
no more idiocy.
just love,
pure and simple as that.

i still cant get over the feeling of holding you against my chest,
and i cant forget the sensation,
that emotional rush i felt,
when my lips touched yours again,
after that horrible five weeks of emptiness.

i wanna spend my holidays,
with denvers,
with nick and gang,
and most importantly,
with YOU.

if it were possible,
i'd want to work with you,
i'd want to go shopping with you,
i'd want to do everything with you.

you mentioned toughening up,
be myself,
and ive thought it over.
its because i AM myself,
therefore i allow myself to show you the tender side of me,
the side which is very emotional,
and very easily affected.
i see no reason to hide this from you,
for my only tender spot,
is you.

you were the only girl that managed to dig up this side of me,
and you were the one to change me,
from the old indifferent and unsociable me,
to the lively,
crazy person that i am now.
and im very thankful for that.
you moulded me,
you changed me.
although some times,
it gets too tough for me to handle,
but you know,
deep inside,
pride doesnt matter to me anymore.
i'd give up anything in my life,
just to be with you.

love transcends all boundaries,
especially anger and pride.
you taught me to control my anger,
control my temper.
if i hadnt fallen in love,
i'd probably be somewhere out there,
violent, hot-headed and abusive.

cant imagine, eh?
you were the one,
who changed me,
who was the only one who could affect me to change.

i love you rachell tan siew boon.
i pray with all of my heart,
that after my paper ends tomorrow at 9am,
all of this will blow over,
for i am willing to change,
for i will never hurt you,
ever again.
for that,
im willing to give up everything that i have,my babygirl.

snuggle up to me again sweetheart,
i love the warm feeling that overcomes me,
the moment your heart connects with mine.

and once again,
only you are capable of giving me that feeling.
no one else can.
some may say im hopelessly in love,
but i prefer to say,
ive found the one i wanna live with,
from now until forever,
and never get tired of her.

i pray,
the day when i get to hold you and kiss you again,
the tears will come.
for it is only through your loved ones,
that you can release the emotions,
bottled inside all that
crying without tears.

only you can,
open up my heart,
like no other can.

Labels: looooooooooong posts

the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________

(Sunday, November 16, 2008-)
+7:16 PM]*

# -

A person once told me that crying without tears is the worst form of crying. And they were right- because the weeping of the soul hurts so much more and no one can console you because no one can see, and even if they can they do not reach its tremendous depth.

This is a tribute to all those who have felt the anguish of tearless sobs and broken spirits. May your religion guide you through it, and may those you love be there for you when the tears start to fall and every moment after.

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”

Kahlil Gibran

crying, is not an offense.
neither is it a show of weakness.
because after every episode,
we become stronger,
faster
harder
better.

Tears are far more beautiful than anything that you have with you, because tears come from the overflow of your being. Tears are not necessarily of sadness; sometimes they come out of great joy and sometimes they come out of great peace and sometimes they come out of ecstasy and love. In fact they have nothing to do with sadness or happiness. Anything that stirs your heart too much, anything that takes possession of you, anything that is too much, that you cannot contain and it starts overflowing — that brings tears.

Accept them with great joy, relish them, nourish them, welcome them, and through tears you will know how to pray.

Through tears you will know how to see. Tear-filled eyes are capable of seeing truth. Tear-filled eyes are capable of seeing the beauty of life and the benediction of it.

how i wish the tears would come.

Labels: be strong

the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________

+9:22 AM]*

# -

it wasnt a nightmare.
it wasnt a beautiful lie.
it was beautiful.

ive been playing solitaire since 2 hours ago.
cause i told myself.
if i dont complete this,
i'll never get a chance with you ever again.
and i did it.
i proved my horoscope wrong.

and since i diced with fate,
and i won,
i know it doesnt prove anything,
and its dumb to place gambles in such useless stuff,
but i need that extra confidence in life.

i probably didnt mention this to anyone except nick,
but i was tearing silently during my chem mcq paper.
there wasnt even sobbing,
just tears that came flowing,
without even the slightest warning.
i used to think it was dumb,
dont your eyes turn watery and
your nose turns sour,
and you start to cry?
its intrigueing.

seriously i see so much pity for nicholas.
he's a damn good friend.
here i was,
fucking angry with myself and punching the wall till im growing blisters all over my knuckles
and waking up the family in the process,
and nick calls,
tells me to stop punching,
stop hurting myself.
i dont stop.
but i am thankful.
at least this time,
there's someone here for me.

he says i can stay at his house anytime,
he'll tide this time over with me.
after all,
we're from the Soh family.
we'll help each other in need.

i hope you said all that in just a moment of anger,
for i really dont wanna go through that anguish of losing you,
all over again.
the pain's so bad,
it hurts physically.

i cry every single time we start drifting apart.
its not like i want to,
its not out of gaining pity.
it just fucking comes,
no sobbing,
no hysterical breathing,
just a smile,
and the tears.

if there's anything that's standing in between us,
i'll erase it.
and this time,
saying it, means doing it.
i know i've made lots of empty promises and so on,
but at the end of the day,
its the end of the A levels after all.
thats what makes all the difference.
this time,
is the time i really make a difference.

ever since the 5 weeks ago when we broke up,
i've been changing.
rapid changes.
we live for life, death and taxes.
i live for life, love and death.

i want to hold you again,
want to show you
that nothing will ever come between us again,
and that i'd give anything just to never let you get hurt.

all i can do now,
is to make it through tomorrow,
without you by my side.
i hope you'll still reserve this place in your heart,
for the melvin whom you fell in love with,
a year ago,
and for the new me,
who is more then ever ready to love you,
with all of his heart.

like i said before,

i want you more than anything else in the world,
and i'll pick you over every other girl in the world.
its you that ive fallen in love with,
and no matter what you do,
wont make me love you even the slightest bit lesser.
even if i may fail,
i'll pick myself up over and over again,
and endure everything,
just to be by your side,
just like before,
just like good ol' yesterday.

i dont want anyone else,
i only want you.

i know in future,
alot of things might try to ruin my chances with you,
but im willing to go through all that shit,
for i really love you.
and i really cannot have any other girl by my side.
none of them will ever be able to replace you,
that i am fucking sure.

i know its very late alr,
and we're both very tired.
i went offline already,
i dont wanna piss you off further.
but i still hope you'll forgive my incompetence.
and let your heart tell you,
that this time,
i really mean it.
i really love you and only you.

if only i could give you happiness,
if only i could make you smile just like that,
till forever.

Labels: sorry

the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________

+2:44 AM]*

# -

today,

we held hands.
we hugged.
we kissed.
we held waists.
we touched.

i was fucking happy.
i felt damn sweet.
i felt like flying.
i loved every single moment of it.

so when you told me,
dont blame you if you find another guy in these 2 days, its easy,
my emotions went down the drain.
i know you're out with someone now,
i have no idea who it is,
but i hope it wont be that "another guy"
for i really wanna believe that my place in your heart is not that easily replaced.

but with recent horoscope readings about fucking bad love luck,
it isnt hard to believe in horoscopes.
and you'll have fucking good love luck.
so a new guy in 2days, is really possible.

some may say im silly for thinking about these stuff,
some may tell me i may be right.
but all in all i wanna tell myself,
if in these 2 days,
she really takes a liking towards a new guy,
i guess,
this time i'll really have to step back.

i wanna see you for the whole day tmr,
i'll keep trying till i get access granted.
but if its denied,
at least see me for dinner?

it hurts me that everything screwed up today,
but it makes me happy to know that right now you're somewhere out there having dinner and smiling to the person opposite you.
at least you werent left alone.
but how i wish the person opposite you was me,
or that you could hug me like you did on the train,
or that you could nibble my cheeks ever so lightly it makes me tingle.

even though all of that was simply hours ago,
i simply miss it very badly.
i hope i'll be allowed out tmr,
i really wanna spend a day with you,
with no screwups,
and no errors.

if the fucking horoscope pops up again,
i'll smash it without hesitation.
i'll show the world how much i want you.
how much i wanna hold you again,
and how much i wanna walk down the underpass and say to the pamphlet distributors,
cant you see my hands are filled?

you know,
i want you more than anything else in the world now.
i wanna see you tomorrow i wna be by your side on tuesday when you're mugging.
i dont mind watching you study cause you're so absolutely adorable.
and when you smile and tickle me or give me a little tap on my cheek,
it makes my heart even warmer,
and i wanna hold you even closer.
i wanna be able to hold you for every century,
every decade,
every year,
every month,
every day,
every hour,
every minute,
every second
and
every millisecond of my life.

i wanna die in your arms,
so please dont leave me.
please let me be by your side.
as long as conditions permit,
i'll be by your side,
no matter what happens,
and i'll protect you,
with my life.

welcome back into my life,
darling.
and this time,
i hope you'll stay in my life,
for good.

i love you ju.

P.S. i love you only, i'd never get another girl's number. so dont go telling me its okay, cause i wont. i love you and solely you, please never doubt that neverending affection i have for you, aiight? <3 ju

Labels: i love you, juju

the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________

(Saturday, November 15, 2008-)
+2:24 AM]*

# -

cannot post cause im a pussy and im immobilised from neck down all the way to butt.

need to get my form back, NOW.

Labels: pussy

the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________

(Friday, November 14, 2008-)
+6:56 AM]*

# -

even though we met only for a short time,
it was sweet :)

i dont know why,
but walking around with you is getting less and less stressful.
im getting to enjoy it ^^

the i love you only shirt made me happy in a peculiar way.
even though you didnt say anything, i felt alot better,
even if it wasnt meant for me :D
thank you ju.

walking to and from wrong exits,
walking down non-working escalators,
seeing sexy male buttcracks down the street,
walking from shop to shop looking for new stuff to buy,
in all it was really wonderful.

as a result i was late for training,
but it was worth it.
i was fucking motivated after that,
did like a million tries and finally had the courage to chiong my handstand.
its a pity they didnt let me do handstands all the way lol.
i had to do stunts with the bases too! :)
which was kinda fun cause learning everything again,
is in a certain way,
re-living the cheerleader in me.
Brandan was damn poor thing everyone in the team ignored him :\
but he was nice, tried to teach me handstands haha.
i was so fucking weak and tired after just one set of 10 elevator reload to extension.
zhaoxuan dragged me across the street to buy red bull.
hahaha there was this oncoming car i didnt even have the energy to get out of the way. :S
im super off form now, i know.
thats why whatever it takes im gonna get back on form,
and be good in something,
like finally :D

once i officialate my entry to the team,
i'll get to put "denvers" in my nick! hahahaha, retarded but its quite cool to me :)
im dead tired now, but i shall study a lil bit of physics.

in the end, i didnt eat dinner, fucking hunry now,
but yeah happiness from the entire day esp the outing with you,
is enough to make me sustain any pain and press on :)

thank you ju,
and thank you denvers.
you made my day.

P.S. i love you only :)

Labels: thank you

the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________

(Thursday, November 13, 2008-)
+7:03 PM]*

# -

i wanted to move to livejournal but every other idiot has taken up my name.

any ideas what my user should be?

the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________

+7:17 AM]*

# -

whats perfect may not be what's best for you.
i may be the best you ever had but i may not be the one for you.
you may meet a guy who sucks but still marry him.
people change,
people move on.

but as long as my heart tells me i still want you,
i dont care what you become,
and what you are like,
i'll continue on.
even if it means hell,

i'll withstand all of it,
just to hold your hand.

let fate take its course,
i'll just play along.

today i read the horoscope for 09.
it says my love life will be horrible.
and yours will be fantastic.
a big part of me thinks this is true.

but, if you go out there and love someone else all over again,
i cant do anything.
however,
if at the end of the line,
you need me,
i'll always answer your call,
i'll always be there for you,
no matter what it is.
even if it means sacrificing myself for the sake of saving your boyfriend.
if its for you,
i'll do it all.

i dont think anyone out there will like me like you did,
but to me it was really special.
and for that,
im holding on as much as i can,
for i know that without you,
im unwanted and useless.

thanks for everything :)
i'll press on for as long as my heart permits,
for as long as you'll let me.

Labels: reflection

the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________

(Wednesday, November 12, 2008-)
+3:20 AM]*

# -

paper's over, dont wanna talk about it.

i ate old chang kee's chicken mushroom puff & a jalepeno taquito :D

i swear i'll marry the girl who can make me the same kind of curry puff edges(the crispy part which
seals the fillings in) as old chang kee! ^^

we didnt go out in the end, ju was too tireedddd. but i dont really mind cause as long as she gets ample rest its fine :)

Labels: PUFF

the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________

(Tuesday, November 11, 2008-)
+2:58 AM]*

# -

getting to see you tmr is just too wonderful to imagine/fathom/think of/dream of.

rah im just bored haha.

feel like eating beer battered fish. JUST ONE :)

and up till this point of time im starting to think i should actually focus more on music hahahahaha.

get well from your fever and lethargy soon!

its just tmr and next wed, hang in there! ^^

Labels: FISHY

the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________

(Monday, November 10, 2008-)
+7:18 AM]*

# -

i created a MYSPACE hahahaha just for the sole purpose of adding norwegian recycling and downloading his songs

i swear he is bloody talented. once he adds me and i get his songs im gna be so bloody happy. and wtf, he's only some dude, not some star lah. he'll definitely make it big in the future. Song mashing is so fucking coooooooooooooooooooooooooool man. ahah

Labels: norwegian recycling

the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________

+5:35 AM]*

# -

your msn nick says, pardon me if my heart wavers.

i wont deny it, at first i dipped into emo state again. like damn worried and everything and damn sad. but after some time i realised this happened before. hahaha and i've resolved to doing this. i have no control over whoever you like or whoever your heart leans towards, but rather then wasting my time shitting around and bothering and pestering you around, i'd rather concentrate on trying to make you like me all over again.

if you could like me once, im sure its not by chance. I'll try my best to reproduce that feeling within you again, and for once, i can say i've changed. no longer the narrow-minded worrying loser, now im a changed man. its a much much better decision than irritating you and trying to control you again, dont you think?

yay im quite proud of myself for being able to think this way. the breakup did make me grow up, but once is enough hahaha :) it made me learn to cherish everything i have even more, thank you ju. now that i've inculcated this habit inside of me, all thats left ahead of me is to be by your side all the time till the day i get to hold your hand again. sounds fucking exciting ^^

study hard! :)

Labels: change, juju

the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________

+3:48 AM]*

# -

halfway during physics exam today i stretched around with my neck till it sorta snapped :\
now i cant even move my head around. IDK what the fuck i can do to help myself but yeah, all i can do is hope it goes away by tmr :)

im not gna tell ju cause i dont want her to worry(hoping she does) and also i dont wanna like make myself sound pitiful cause at the end of the day its really nothing much la. Hope it dies down by tmrw morning.

tonight i've to sleep early cause ive got so many papers but yeah i hope it'll turn out fine. I've been living this entire A levels period dreading tmrw, so once its over i guess i'll finally be able to breathe normally again.

econs tuition just finished, i'll gather some info then go full force into chem again. Sleep by 12am today, all the best for my paper tmr ^^

all the best to ju as well for her upcoming econs and lit papers C:

Labels: juju, neck

the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________

(Sunday, November 09, 2008-)
+5:53 PM]*

# -

i totally cannot get over hot shot.

fucking cool i totally love the show although its exaggerated and all that. i feel like somehow im becoming like a fangirl of jerry yan, luo zhi xiang and wu zun :\

you know, when guys get too awesomely handsome even guys have chances of idolising them. bleah sports are damn cool why wasnt i born a sportsman.

damn weak, why cant i do something terrific for once, like cupie or single lib or whatnot. i know i too short to play basketball, but still i think its a fucking cool sport. and badminton too. y'know, sometimes when you suck at something and everyone around you is fucking good, you kind of give up? :(

i feel so hopeless now, im totally unprepared for physics paper, and today i've econs tuition at 530-8. then i'll gather some econs stuff, start mugging for chem P2 at 9. tmr, chem will start at 8, and then theres econs P2 after that at 2. Hopefully it'll turn out better, or im seriously screwed.

blah blah freedom is only 2 days away after today, but im still so restless and unmotivated. anyway i asked nick to come over to study on thursday tgt for chem MCQ hahaha i got a serious feeling we'll play more then study. but at least it keeps my mind off things, i guess.

BUT THURSDAY IS SO FREAKING FAR AWAY AND I STILL HAVE TO ENDURE SHITTY DAYS OF CHEM ECONS AND ECONS AGAIN :(

whining is so loser.

working out after a levels seems so fucking inviting esp since Sengkang sports complex (with gym!) is right behind my house. But i bet i'll slack around on my lazy ass right after A levels. Nick even signed up for dragonboat comp. hahaha asshole.

OH and on friday, im gna fuck care zhaoxuan. since he doesnt wanna go with me, i'll just go myself! (to training). im gna go denversing! hahaha name wise its not that great but i know there are some monsters inside there as well. pls pls pls let me do a single lib before the end of this year! :D

its a pity i cant stunt with ju anymore, but i musnt let my love for the sport stop. She has her own commitments her own interests her own loves. i have mine too. Although i've been following her all this time, i think at least now i've the FRSM goal, in addition to loving that sweet little thing in my life ^^

mummy says the piano teacher will not accept if he thinks you dont have enough talent, i hope i'll make it, else i'll be rendered totally uselss, like excel in nothing AT ALL :(

show me some love, everybody! C:

Labels: random

the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________

+9:52 AM]*

# -

just finished watching

篮球火.

its hot shot and today the last ep came out.
fuck its such a fucking nice show i almost cried at the end.
why do dramas always show so touching scenes idc im gna buy the DVD version or DL the entire version onto my comp.

^^

good luck for paper tmr ju :)

Labels: 篮球火

the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________

+1:53 AM]*

# -

i came across this somewhere, but since i did love before, some of these pointers do actually make sense to me. if any of you readers can, i hope you'll take time to read it till the end :)

--"Hey, are you busy?" or "Are you doing something?" ~ two phrases guys open with to stop from stammering on the phone.

--Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.

--Before they call, guys try to plan out a little about what they're gonna say so there aren't awkward pauses, but once he's on the phone he forgets it all and makes it up as he goes.

--Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.

--Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him.

--Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest. Unless they're goin for the let-her-complain-to-you-and-then-have-her-realize-how-wonderful-and-nice-you-are method.

--A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to.

--Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved.

--Don't talk about your guy friends to your boyfriend.

--Guys get jealous easily.

--Guys are more emotional than they'd like people to think.

--Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...nevermind.." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out.

--Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like.

--Guys hate asking parents for money to buy girls presents. So they come up with ideas like saving their lunch money for a week. But it never works because guys are always hungry so they end up asking the parents for money anyway.

--Girls are guys' weaknesses.

--Guys are very open about themselves.

--It's good to test a guy first before you trust him. But don't let him wait too long.

--If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.

--A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

--Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships.

--Guys will brag about anything.

--Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. We rarely use beautiful.If a guy uses that, he likes you a whole hell of a lot.

--No matter how much guys talk about asses and boobs, personality is key.

--Guys learn from experience not from the romance books that girls read and take as their basis of experience.

--Guys worry about the thin line between being compassionate and being whipped.

--Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant.

--Guys seek for advice from girls not other guys. Because most guys think alike, so if one guy's confused, then we're all confused.

--Any guy could write out a rulebook or advice book for flirting, but no guy can write out a book about relationships.

--Try to be as straightforward as possible.

--If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with the girl.

--If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and is spazzing inside.

--When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is. Guys rarely say that.

--When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me."

--Guys don't really have final decisions.

--If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up.

--If your best guy friend seems to avoid you or is never around when you're with your boyfriend, he's probably jealous and likes you.

--When a guy tells you that you are beautiful, don't say you aren't. It makes them want to stop telling you because they don't want you to disagree with them.

--When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something.

--Guys like femininity not feebleness.

--Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do.

--A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.

--Don't be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily.

--Everything in moderation. Put on makeup, wear perfume. Just not too much.

--Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys.

--Guys hate rejection, but they hate being led on even more.

--If you are going to reject a guy, just do it. Don't say they are like a brother or just good friends, it just hurts even more. Tell them that you aren't interested in a relationship and they will respect you.

--Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them.

--A guy would give his left ball to be able to read a girl's mind for a day.

--No guy can handle all his problems on his own. He's just too stubborn to admit it.

--Not all guys are assholes. Just because ONE is a jackass doesnt mean he represents ALL of us.

--We don't like girls who are too skinny.

--Believe it or not shy guys are the most easiest to talk to..it may not seem right but trust me they will start opening up like books after you just ask them questions about their lives and tell them about yours...

--Even if they refuse it all guys are ticklish on the ribs..

--Guys love neck rubs and if he lets you keep doing it ..it means that he really likes you or his neck really hurts...

--Guys will test the waters to see how far they can get with you. Even if he doesn't intend to it will happen. Know how far it is you want to let him go and he will respect that...after you let him know a couple times.

--When a guy sacrifices his sleep and health just to be with you, he really likes you and wants to be with you as much as possible.

hence im proud to say i truly did love you! but i have to say, it was partly for my own selfish gains as well. i was alone i was sad i needed someone to take care of and someone to take care of me :( but all's fine, till the day you see my orbituary printed in a small square, im quite certain, all i'll ever need is you. and like you tested on orbituary.com long ago, my orbituary will say, the cat will miss ju terribly. (and i dont mean louisblackcat, i mean meow meow meowvin soh!) im a jealous asshole haha kill me.

Labels: guys

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+12:39 AM]*

# -

There are 3 levels of diplomas offered by ABRSM and Trinity College at associate, licentiate and fellowship levels:

ABRSM	TCL	NQF comparison
DipABRSM	ATCL	1st year Bachelor degree or Certificate of higher education
LRSM	LTCL	Bachelor degree
FRSM	FTCL	Master’s degree or other Postgraduate qualification

The UK National Qualifications Framework (NQF) comparison shown reflects the demands of the diplomas only.

Prerequisites

For ABRSM, each level of diploma is a prerequisite to the next level and grade 8 practical is a prerequisite to the DipABRSM.

There are no formal prerequisites for ATCL and LTCL diplomas. LTCL is a prerequisite to FTCL.

Difference between ABRSM and TCL diplomas

Both well-recognised, the main difference between ABRSM and TCL diplomas is that ABRSM exams involve a separate section on Viva Voce and Quick Study.

All TCL exams do not involve Viva Voce and only ATCL Performance involves sight reading which is similar to Quick Study.

Note: Viva Voce is an oral section which may involve discussing the style, musical language, technical aspects and structure of the pieces performed during the exam.

IF I PASS FRSM it'll be same level as maksim and those world pianists! :D

but experience wise of course i'll lose out terribly la, but who cares its a freaking master's degree.

hope after BMT i'll kena store work den everyday can go home. i want a FRSM asap ^^ wish me

luck guys. i'll remember all of you hahahahaah esp you ju :)

P.S. side by side along my piano dream, i wanna have someone to protect and take care of as well. its almost a month since my breakup, but the person i have in mind is still you, ju :) whenever you're ready for relationships girl. i'll always be here. and if you decide someone else is better for you, i'll try my best to be happy for you, i promise. ^^ i know you have lots of uncertainties in life and all that, but when it all dies down and fades away, you'll definitely see me still waiting for you, if you still do have feelings for me :) i'll keep my options open, but you'll see how strong unwavering love can actually get! c:

till then! i'll always be here for you. dont forget to call if anything! :)

Labels: DipABRSM, FRSM, LRSM

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(Friday, November 07, 2008-)
+9:31 PM]*

# -

am i that different

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+12:51 PM]*

# -

if you saw how badly 'm crying now, would you feel anything at all? This is the second time 'm feeling like this in a month. "some girl who doesnt like you at all". Why couldnt you just fucking keep such stuff to yourself. Maybe 'm really dumb. Putting myself up and getting knocked down over and over again. Is it really more enjoyable, the life you have now, then the time when you had me by your side? We were so fucking special.

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+9:40 AM]*

# -

1. dreamweaver.
2. html
3. photog
4. connections.

http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/Dreamweaver-8-For-Dummies.productCd-0764596497.html

http://www.amazon.com/Sams-Teach-Yourself-HTML-Hours/dp/0672328410/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225872185&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Photography-9th-MyPhotographyKit-Barbara-London/dp/0131752014/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1226079786&sr=1-5

i must fucking learn to be good in all these. whatever talents i have doesnt matter anymore,
all there is to it is living up to what can aid her. its not noble, im doing it for myself,for if she isnt happy i aint happy. so, yeah. i'll go borrow the books tomorrow.

they're all avail at bishan lib, but the photog book seems to be off the shelves already. aye, sian. see what substitutes i can find.

Labels: upgrading

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+2:17 AM]*

# -

math paper was a lil bit better,
but yeah at least its all over :)

i was fucking stressed this morning, damn stressed and all.
it was the first time i didnt listen to music on the way to school.
ju was very supportive, tried to make me feel better.
thanks ju :)
although you used hard and soft approach both at the same time!
hahah but yeah fuck a levels.
once i clear next wednesday,
and i get to have dinner with you again,
all'll be normal once again.

sean and the rest are staying over at his house next friday,
but i bet mummy wont allow me to.
its not about the stay, but yeah they're going prawning the next day.
pay 30 bucks to fish for prawns and then BBQ and eat them on the spot.
I've never dared to kill a prawn alive,
but yes. If you like to eat prawns (cause they claim its damn nice),
i'll bring you prawning too!
it'll be something like fishing but much less gross without all the worms and such! ^^

next wednesday maybe i'll take you to marks and spencer,
then to the coffeeshop at my school there.
the stuff there really is ALL damn nice.
till next wednesday then,
look forward to it!

im not asking for anything more,
this morning was enough for me.
i havent felt so sweetened for a really long time already.
and its that tingly tingly nice feeling,
all over again.

in the past,
i was inexperienced.
all my first times,
you had to take the initiative.
but this time,
its a fact that i NEED you.
you dont have to come back to me,
but this time i'll make all the initiatives.
its only correct,
because if i really long for something,
i have to put in my best to get it.
and if i ever do get to hold your hand again,
i'll cherish it with every bit of love i have in me.
i'll never EVER let you cry for me.

i think your mummy loves jack more.
but yeah if you ever feel that no one loves you like they should,
you're sorely mistaken.
i love you.
i'll dedicate to you all the time in my life,
i'll be there for you whenever you need me.
i'll protect you in all ways possible,
even if you dont say it.

its only one day since we last met,
but i miss you already,
and my heart is growing,
soon, my entire heart will be filled full of you.
im really heartened by the fact,
that i'll get to teach you piano.
and that means i get to see you very often ^^

if you would let,
i wanna watch the sunrise with you.
right after your lit paper.
i know its not really possible,
but i hope that after i bring you out,
you'll consider staying over.
i'll wake you up at 4.45am,
and we'll walk to the open field.
and watch the sunrise together.
i've never saw the sunrise before,
and i would like to share my first time,
only with you.

will you let me? :)

P.S. you could bring clothes to change into, we'll sleep abit more after the sunrise and then go meet sean tat peng ting jas! :)

but its all a fantasy, i hope it'll come true, with all of my heart ^^

Labels: juju

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(Thursday, November 06, 2008-)
+6:19 AM]*

# -

'm willing to give everything in my life just to be with you till the day time stops.

Then we'll be tgt, forever ^-^

thanks for feeding me its super sweet!
If you feed me 'll never refuse okay :)
I BET THE CORN SYRUP CONTENT ISNT THE TRUE REASON BEHIND DIABETES. ITS THROUGH THE FEEDING OF APPLE DIPPERS BY THE ONE YOU LOVE THAT TRIGGERS THE DIABETES VIRUS.
if thats the case, i wanna die by diabetes :)

and if loving you was a sin,
i think god should send me to hell cause i'll never ever stop sinning.

and finally, if i was dumb for being loyal,
i'll aspire to be dumb, dumber and dumberer. heh.

as long as you're happy, i'll smile, even in the face of death :)
and today, i shall make this clear.
i wanna live my life with you init! :D

and yeah,
since you already stole my heart,
i want you to keep it in a safe place!
thank you juju 831.

Labels: juju

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(Wednesday, November 05, 2008-)
+6:33 AM]*

# -



		I will marry Tan Siew Boon.
		After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in Paris in our fabulous Apartment.
		We will have 3 kid(s) together.
		Our family will zoom around in a pink Mazda RX-6.
		I will spend my days as a businessman, and live happily ever after.

alright i cheated on the i marry part. i only put up two names, tan siew boon and rachell. but the rest is really just random!

i think i'll be fucking happy if that all came true. maybe i'll leave the pink car for her haha. i'll take bus around town. but oh well, i know you'll be happier marrying someone else.

*sad!*

Labels: future

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+4:07 AM]*

# -

i have blood in my shit.
but after i shitted, it was ideally a catharsis hahahahahaha

catharsis :

A release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit.

after an overwhelming shitting experience, it restores my health and mana. i feel so much better now. before this i felt PREGNANT. maybe i dont know what it feels like, but wtf! now my tummy feels so much freaking lighter. chem paper 3 tmr, im super unprepared. but whatever, i still have to worry about bloody math paper 2 on fri, and the econs tuition right after that.

just like my original blog quote, life sucks.
all the more without you by my side.
holding on,
pressing on,
i'll force myself to last till after the A's,
and i wont talk to you so much anymore.
i've been super teary these days,
all because i read the old posts.
i cant afford to communicate with you,
i'd cry.

and i guess its really quite enjoyable for you as well,
cause like im no longer disturbing you or irritating you haha.
i'll only text you to eat,
cause i think on sms,
you're way cuter and sweeter.

you make me smile everytime i think of you.
let me hold you again, sweetheart <3

im feeling quite badly screwed over by chem now.
if i could, i'd call you.
if i could, i'd ask you to hold me.
if i could, i'd ask you to not let my world fall apart again.

im probably having one of my fantasies again.

Labels: juju

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(Tuesday, November 04, 2008-)
+6:23 PM]*

# -

i really feel that sometimes i'm quite useless.
i dont really know much stuff,
but i really will do it to my best
to learn as much as i can and to be able to make you happy more,
instead of stuff like hugs that make you feel even more irritated

im sorry.

i've 2 kinds of books waiting on the to-read list now :)

i'll improve myself as much as i can, i promise.
this time, i really mean it all.
after all, its much easier to read books on other stuff other than studying :)

misu.

Labels: juju, misu

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+7:34 AM]*

# -

remember this?

"Then we went to stroll along the Singapore River :) It was really sweet okay and it felt really comfortable just walking with you. I wouldn't mind having Subway meals for the rest of the days of my life, walking along the Singapore River, screaming at occassional cats hidden at random spots on the bridge, trying to walk towards the unreachable clock tower, hearing you tell me abt live fishes, clams, crabs & craps on display when we pass by restaurants, hugging you though you think you're really sweaty, being cheated by you to do a shouldersit when you werent even gna lift me up, watching you laugh at me for every normal thing I do which you think is really amusing, avoiding black large suspicious looking objects inside the bushes, hiding in your warm embrace whenever I need protection, taking photos without flash so we're hardly visible (cause you like it), watching you being ego about your height cause I'm never gna reach your height and such and such!"

its so lovely i melt every single time i read it again and again.
i cried when i saw this, and thats probably why im not online.
i cant talk to you online, i cant.
i'm too emotionally unstable now, forgive me.
life without you has been horrible,
never have i once felt so lonely in my life.
honestly, to say that you define me,
is really an understatement.
you are my world,
my everything.
i miss those times where you fell asleep on me.
i miss those times we held hands and walked the entire clarke quay.
i miss the times we hugged when going down escalators.
and most of all, i miss the times where we were together.
i know that even if i wanna try,
i'll have to wait until after the A levels.
and i can promise you i'll control myself.
i no longer dare to look you in the eye and talk to you,
i fear i might just stroke your face and pull you in for a kiss.

if you want,
you can try checking if i do look at you.
stealing glances, yeah.
direct confrontation, hahaha hell no.
and its not because i dont love you,
but because i love you enough to respect you.

i love you ju.
i've learnt to let go now.
even though i still get the occasional tinge of jealousy,
i guess its only normal, no?

P.S. i still wanna be your kitty, and i still want you as my babygirl.

Labels: juju

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(Monday, November 03, 2008-)
+6:50 PM]*

# -

as promised, im back :)

math was orgasmically fucked-up.
wanna fail they dont let you fail.
wanna get A, the heavy weightage questions so fucking difficult.
which idiot cares about maximum area of a FLOWERBED when the flowers are just gonna overgrow and like spill out of the fence?
and now im starting to respect bankers.
customer asks, hey, if i deposit 10 bucks a month + compounded 2% interest,
how much will i have after 2 years and how long will it take for me to reach 2k?
and the worst part is you cant tell them its too fucking complicated, nabei.
and so many many more.
alright im bored of booing the math paper.
i've got chem paper 3 in 1 days time and i havent started preparing.
and math paper 2 right after that.

on a not-so-examy note,
i was freaking late for the paper today.
like 15mins got shaved off.
and when i got in i spent like 15mins on qn1 stoning and trying to wait for me to stop sweating.
seriously, i wanna thank all the religions and all the gods who've been looking out for me.
thank you for letting me have her jacket haha else it've been worse.
After the sweating stopped i started feeling the wind in my bones
hahaha exaggerating but you get my point.

and i had really nice dreams last night.
i dreamt we spent the entire night talking and rambling on about unimportant stuff,
and we were super sweet and everything.
it was lovely i swear.
so enjoyable i refused to wake up till around 11.
i know its a dream,
but i dont really care.
its love that keeps me going,
even if its a dream,
at least i got to hold you again <3

i really miss holding you like fuck.
i know its a levels and she wont read my blog so i'll be more open ^^
the other day at the station when i tricked you and kissed you,
i smelt you hair again.
super nice, i loved it :)
that moment was probably the happiest moment throughout this year.
maybe its because i used to take for granted the fact i could kiss you anytime,
and now when i really have to work hard just for a chance like that,
i really feel much much happier.
it was sweet,
and that tingly feeling,
it came right back to me.
even though i didnt get to hold you,
didnt get to hold your hand,
didnt get to snuggle up close to you,
but i dont care.
the peck was lovely in itself.
i'd really withstand all of hell,
just to hold your hand again.
but i know love never comes easy.
if i want you,
i'll have to rightfully earn it back.
being seperated and not seeing you for so long,
really did make my heart fonder.
though the times were sour and sadness was all over me,
but i cheered up the instant i saw you again.
why're you so fucking cute?

the wonders of love.
what it can make people do,
and what it can make me do.
im yours to keep, anytime.
but if i must give my life,
i will.
if i get to have you by my side again.

i bought SHARK ENERGY DRINK on the way home cause its on sale, like 2 for $2 haha and now i cant even force myself to sleep its like my eyes feel like ive worn my contacts for the entire day and they're drying up. its like poking my eyes open when my brain is already half dead. haha. but thats great at least i get to study late :)

if i were to sum up my feelings now in 5 letters, it'd be:

imhys
i miss holding you sweetheart.

lots of love,
yours. <3

Labels: imhys

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+4:29 AM]*

# -

i feel very very lost every time i lose contact with you.
please never leave my line of vision,
for i sincerely wanna look out for
and take care for you.

if you feel like crying, here's my shoulder.
if you feel like jumping for joy, here's my smile.
if you feel like screaming, here's my listening ear.
if you feel like you need love, im always here.

i am your melvin soh,
i am your more-than-a-friend friend,
i am the one who will hold you.
i am the one who will never let go.
i am the one who will always be by your side, no matter what happens.

no matter what you've done,
no matter what you intend to do in the future,
it doesnt matter to me.
all that i ever care about is you,
and everything about you.
what you do doesnt matter,
as long as you're happy,
and i get to see your smile again,
it suffices.

every single sentence you say to me,
leaves a deep impression in my mind,
and i strive to make you happy,
strive to make myself worth.

i no longer see any other girl in my eyes,
you're all i'll ever do for a girl.
so dont ask silly questions,
you're more than worth it all.

i know you need time,
but as long as you never leave my line of sight,
never disappear from my life,
i dont mind waiting till my end of time,
even if at the end of the line,
you say,
you never ever did love me.

i dont care what the others say,
for i honestly think,
just your smile,
and its all worth it.

regarding your entry,
i dont mind if its not meant for me,
but yup i'll still love you no matter what.
be strong be strong now,
i'll protect you wherever i can,
whenever i can.

Labels: juju

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+3:18 AM]*

# -

KNN i spent an hour stuck at this CB INTRO.
fuck a levels la.

the advancement of science over the ages, have indeed fuelled mankind's progress immensely. Science, in itself, encompasses a wide range of sub-categories, such as technology, biodiversity and excetra. Science has progressed in unlimited avenues possible, but this has been the growing precursor to the growing decline in religion. Indeeed, we live in a hedonistic society, where pleasure seeking takes centre stage. Many begin to feel there is no longer a need for religion, for science, all these while, has been churning up logical explanations for the illogical unsolved mysteries. However, this trend might not necessarily be the harbinger of doom for religion in the world. Religion, to some, is but an axiom, a form of common-sense.

KNN THEN TIO STUCK ALR FUCK.

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(Sunday, November 02, 2008-)
+11:51 PM]*

# -

GP shouldnt have been so demoralising,
now i feel like retaking a levels.
everything seems so hopeless again.

-edit-
i dont need anyone to hold me, anymore.

the story ends like this;
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(Saturday, November 01, 2008-)
+11:55 AM]*

# -

there is no longer hate,
and all that's left is love.

*hugs*

get well.

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+3:58 AM]*

# -

at the end of the line, i still think im more interested in music.
be it history of music, appreciation of music and whatnots,
i hate chem and i hate physics.
why didnt SA introduce Music(H2) as a subject much earlier?

've been studying the entire day, and ive only gotten one part of a chem question done.
more of spending time on the piano and watching stitch's tutorials on youtube.
but will i make it in the music line?
i guess not.
pure interest really does not suffice,
for raw talent is much more recognised.
i took 8 years to attain my diploma,
whereas my mom just told me of this pri6 little girl,
who went under the tutorage of this piano teacher,
and made it to grade 7 in 2 years.
probably she's gonna enrol me under this dude.
hopefully things will move much faster.

i've played the piano for close to 14 years,
played the erhu for close to 7 years,
and none of that compares to the shit im getting from these 2 years of JC life.
undeniably, it was sweet that i managed to get myself a girlfriend for almost a year,
but the relationship did not free us in the least from the horrors of school life.
All the crazy rushes for university admissions,
i wonder,
where will CCCCD land me?
in my ass.
thats why,
ive resigned myself to fate,
and decided to start mugging.
for the '09 a levels.
at least i have 2 years of NS to cover up for the time.
maybe studying will finally interest me.
i have no interest in anything whatsoever now,
maybe a slight tinge of love for my piano,
but thats really all there is to it.

i no longer feel pain,
but thats not a good thing.
it means, im emotionless now,
you know why you're so weak?
because you lack hatred.

present tense : hit.
past tense : hurt.
current tense : hate.

hate is the strongest weapon anyone can ever have.
hate is what keeps us going.

we live,
because we hate.

Labels: 狠

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